Appreciating all I have

I'm starting to feel like a person again.  It's amazing how we can go from happy to crushed in seconds.  This experience I have gone through and am going through is something I would never wish on a person.  I have truly never felt such heart break.  It is crazy how I feel like 2 of my children have been taken from me.  I can't imagine how people feel having their loved ones they have raised for years or months taken from them.
With heart ache comes questions, when we have questions we want answers.  Unfortunately answers aren't always readily available for certain instances. I feel like I have had so many questions, and they aren't all answered, but I feel at peace about them.  I LOVE the gospel and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a Heavenly Father to kneel down to at any moment of the day and pour my heart out to him.  He hears me and loves me.  And I know so because of my happiness.  This experience has made me look at life differently.  I appreciate the small and simple things. I appreciate my health, my life, my family, my friends.  I really do have the best friends!  So many of my friends have given me advise, comfort, and love.   My Hawaii friends who I haven't seen in years text me, call me, drive from out of state to see me and send me things in the mail letting me know they care.  Life is good.  My family and neighbors do anything for me.  I feel extremely blessed and at peace with myself.  I know that Heavenly Father will continue to bless my family and whatever he has in store for us we are ready to do. 

I miss you.

                             The day you slipped away Was the day I found It won't be the same.

 

Missing these babies more and more each day.

The Twins

I haven't been on here lately, and so much has changed in the last year or so. I figure I should write down the recent changes and activities in our life so I don't forget exactly how I felt about them. David and I were very blessed to get pregnant again and find out we were having twins. I had the opportunity to carry the twins for 14 weeks 6 days before our Heavenly Father called them back home. I love these twins and will forever be grateful for the amount of time I had "with" them. My heart breaks knowing they are not in side of me anymore. I'm sad I do not feel their little bubbles, and flutters. The hardest part for me was seeing them on the screen moving around and seeing those healthy hearts beat, and then being excited to see them again a few short weeks later and they are just laying lifeless together. I knew when I saw them on the screen something wasn't right. I was sent over to the hospital to have more ultrasounds done to see if we could find a heartbeat at all. I walked over to the hospital with Indie in my arms. I was crying and hugging that beautiful girl of mine and being so grateful to have her in my life. She brings me more joy than anything else in this world. I Called David to come to the hospital immediately. It was about 7:50 am and he couldn't make it to the appointment because he had a conference call at work from 7:00am to 8:00am that he had to be on. I kept calling his work phone and cell phone over and over knowing he couldn't answer yet. He called me back right at 8:00 thinking I knew the sexes of the baby or something and I couldn't wait to tell him. I was in tears and he knew something was wrong and left work right then. A woman who worked at the hospital could see me crying and talking on the phone while chasing Indie around. She asked me if she could watch Indie. I told her yes and she took Indie into the gift shop to look around. The lady was the director over all the volunteers at the hospital. She was running the gift shop and gave Indie a few things from the gift shop. Indie got a bear, crayons, and coloring book. This woman closed the gift shop and came all over the hospital with David and I so she could watch Indie. We stayed at the hospital and Dr. Laters office for what felt like most of the day. Since I got there at 7:30 am and got home late that afternoon. Dr. Later gave us the option to allow the babies to come naturally or to get a D&C. I thought that I would want them to come on their own but after talking to him he thought it might be too hard on me being so far along that emotionally it wouldn't be good for me to see them. I decided to do a D&C the next afternoon. Later that night we went to bed sad. I was so exhausted from crying all day. I woke up at 2:30 am with the worst contractions of my life. (well compared to Indie) And I say the worst because with Indie the pain wasn't too bad because I knew I was getting a baby in return. I knew this time I would go through pain and get nothing. I was up all night with contractions and vomiting. I couldn't wait to get to my appointment at this time. I was scheduled for surgery at 12:00 pm but I called the dr and he told me to come in at 9:00. Kim drove down and watched Indie for us and made us dinner. Indie fell in love with kim the second Kim got out of her car, and that made me feel a whole lot better leaving her. I never leave Indie! Indie usually screams to go to other people but kim got out of the car and Indie was putting her arms out to her. Kim took her from me and said are you ready to have fun today, and Indie said yep! They must have had fun because Indie screamed for 15 minutes after kim left. She did not want Bo BO, Zoe Zoe, or kim to leave. Well we made it to the hospital and Dr. Later did another ultrasound for us to put our minds at ease knowing that they were really gone. The placenta had big black holes in it and was getting ready to leave my body on its own. He said I would probably lose everything on my own with in the next few days. The pain I was going through was so bad that I couldn't imagine it for a few more days. I went through it for 8 hours and that was enough for me. The nurses and doctors were great. My anesthesiologist's name was Dr. Blood! How funny is that? He was probably the funniest person I have talked to. He told me he has put people under thousands and thousands of times and it never gets old for him to say lets count to five and watch us pass out. He made the I.V. process a lot more comfortable for me since he was telling jokes and what not. My surgery was about 45 mins and then I was in recovery for a few hours. I feel so much better now. Pain free and at ease. I am incredibly sad to not have these babies with me but I can't wait to see them again some day. I know that having the gospel in my life and having a loving Heavenly Father has made this whole situation that much easier for me. I know where my babies are and I know they are happy and waiting for me. Having Indie makes it a lot easier too. She keeps me smiling with all her hugs, kisses, and laughing. Melts my heart. I don't know what I would do with out her. I am also soooo grateful for all my family and friends. I have received so much love from everyone. Text messages, phone calls, treats, cards, flowers, meals, babysitting, getting sent chocolate covered strawberries!! Just so much love. My neighbor texts me everyday. She brings me things everyday too. Having so many wonderful people in my life has made me realize how loved and blessed I am. I love my family for going through this pain with me and crying with me. I really do have the best family in the world. And I am so grateful to have a sister who lives close to me who will do anything for me and offer herself to help at anytime of the day or night. I know that this will be hard for me to over come but I also know that we will have more children.